So if you’re squirmish at this point, stop reading. It doesn’t get better. For those of you still with me, let’s begin.
I think it was about a year ago that I first read about a Vag Spa that was located in California (of course it was.) The writer wrote at length about her experience from preparation, to step by step process and finally the results. Well, I’m not going to give you that much detail only because I’m not a gynecologist and will not tell you how to take care of your kucing (that’s Indonesian for a cat, by the way.) I will put a lot of effort into telling you my experience and my opinion.
It had come to my attention that there are a few spas in Bali that offer V-Steam Treatments or V Treatment, and I was thrilled to hear that someone came up with a better name than Vag Spa. I had read a few blogs about this treatment, and all of them claimed that it was this primal ritual that originated in Java, Indonesia, so on and so forth. I imagine I was a priestess in a past life, so I’m keen, maybe too eager, and tell Josh, “Babe, it says they make you sit on a box with hot coals steaming herbs and amazing-ness into your lady parts.” We are talking next-level self-care, ladies.
Finding a spa in Bali was actually really difficult. Two of the spas mentioned in the blogs I read were closed down. (That should’ve been a red flag.) So I was left with one option that was the closest to me, Lady Marmalade.
I opted for a Brazilian and a V-Steam to follow (I cannot emphasize enough how bad a combo these two are, DO NOT DO THIS.) The Brazilian was actually impressive – she used sugar wax, was super efficient and done within 20 minutes. My therapist then excused herself politely while she set up the V-Steam.
What I had imagined next was that I would be massaged gently, washed down and then shown an area where I sit on the wooden box and have hot coals pipe up herbal steam to cleanse me. What actually happened…Aunty set up a rice cooker (I kid you not) under a padded chair that had a hole in the middle. That was it. That was it!?! I yelled in my head.
She then briefs me that she will give me a shoulder and back massage while we steam the V area. Well, the electricity wasn’t working so after 15 minutes I felt no steam. “So sorry, so sorry,” she said. After changing the plugs and finally get the cooker on it took another 10 minutes and then, ah, there it is. Steam. It was actually really lovely to get puffing warm steam, and I thought, well, maybe this may not be a total waste.
I spoke too soon. What was puffing warm steam turned into piping hot steam shooting so sharply up my crack that I was getting burned. “It’s too hot!” I yelled, stood up and started fanning my kucing. She clicked off the cooker and put another towel over the hole, “So sorry, so sorry.” she says and instructs me to sit back down. I sit and finish the remaining 10 minutes of my steam. The shoulder massage was irrelevant at this point because I was not relaxed.
When the steam was finished, she asked me to lay down so she can do the cleaning. Yes, some oil or cream would be helpful to soothe the burns. Except, once again, not what I imagined. I got a cleaning, yes, and she was very thorough (unlike getting the steamer ready) and made sure to wipe and swipe and prod and clean. Then she brought out the spritz. It must’ve been alcohol-based because after she spritzed me, I was on fire. The spray stung so bad I needed to fan myself, again.
This was not what those other ladies promised in their blogs. Now I have burns (I’m still tender) and awaiting results of amazing-ness.